No monkeys allowed

When I was a kid the thing I wanted more than even lunch or a brand new Trapper Keeper was a monkey. I had hardcore monkey lust. I was pretty certain I would have been Jane Goodall Jr. if I could just convince my mom we should get a monkey. She claimed we could not. She claimed they would "masturbate all the time", which was not a good reason. A better reason was the one my father gave me. He said his Dad won a spider monkey in a bet and that it was AWESOME. For three days. And then it would sit on his shoulder, put its arm around his neck and shit down his back. So, I never got my monkey.