I've been working on a million things but the number one thing I've been doing is Trying Really Hard Not to Hyperventilate About The Future. Also trying to envision a future where my financial needs are met and I can spend my energy on better things than wondering if I'm going to be successful and how I might go about doing that.
The very fact that I exist at all is either a total fucking miracle or some kind of weird accident. Lately I've been feeling like I had a bunch of eggs and I put them all in one basket and then I feel down the stairs and now I'm at the bottom, stunned by slime, everything broken.
Why are money troubles are such a dirty little secret?
Why do I feel so useless?
I know what's broken but I don't know how to fix it. I need help but can't bring myself to ask because I feel like I should be doing it on my own and that needing any help at all makes me horribly vulnerable and being vulnerable terrifies me to the bone, and plus. Plus.
Plus, no one who wants to help is able and those who are able won't because I'm not worth it or they think I should be helping myself.
These are all very mean things I tell myself.
I should go eat something.
I will come back later. There are a million things I could write about asking for help and how shitty that turned out. I'm afraid of asking for help. I am the helper, not the helpee. I would rather saw off my leg than ask for help. How fucked is that?
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