Powered by fixiness

(Cleaning out an old file folder I found a fake response I once wrote while working a chargeback case for a credit card company.)

Of course your incredibly low fees entitle you to Never Wrong lie detector services, but did you know about our cutting edge HD Story Support monitor wall where we view endless and infinitely zoomable security videos that can see around corners and capture alternate endings? Were you aware that right down the hall, bathed in lavender, light and positive thinking is our tireless and fully energized Excellent Client Care Army, all psychic handwriting experts with strong backgrounds in social work? Before you can even finish asking what the hell is going on with your money, they will have instantaneously gained, filtered and interpreted every nuance of your data and will begin to emit soothing flattery and waves of powerful fixiness. Rest assured, here at Super Giant Mega Corp, we never leave and nothing hurts our feelings. Our burly truth pilots are always suited up and ready to determine why your beans were not, in fact, magic.

In your face fruit science

I popped the cap on some Garnier Fructis and squeezed the bottle just a tad to test the scent, but there must have been an air bubble because half a teaspoon of "fortified fruit science" shot me in the face. 

There was another woman in the aisle with me, also sniffing bottles, and when she heard my startled, "Oh!" she looked over and nearly peed herself laughing when I held up the bottle and told her, "Try this one, it seems very excited!"