Once upon a time a woman sat at an open window, in the middle of a snowstorm, doing needlework on an ebony frame. You know, how you do. She poked herself and spilled three drops of blood on the snow. She was so delighted by the color combo of blood, snow and ebony that she wished for a matching white, red and black infant. She wasn’t at all specific about the order of things, but ended up with a white baby with red lips and black hair. With barely a moment to register that she’d indeed given birth to Snow White, her very own designer baby, the woman dies. Like, immediately, which is kind of a bummer but no one dwells on it.
The dad waits a year and then marries this bitchy lady who talks to her mirror all the time about how pretty she is, and for a long time the mirror is like, “Yes, Queen, you are the super prettiest in all the land.” Until one day the mirror is like, “Wait, hold up, your seven year old stepdaughter is super hot.” Of course the Queen is furious. She’s like, “Pshaw, bitch gotta die.”
She tells a huntsman to take Snow White out into the woods, totally murder her, and bring back her juicy little kid heart. I know, what a shitty boss. The huntsman sets out to do as he’s told, cuz he knows his damn job, but Snow White starts bawling, “Boohoo don’t murder me, I’m cute and only seven.” And he realizes what a jerk move this is and he’s all. “Just go! Just run away, you’re too cute to murder! I’ll just fudge my report!” She runs off, he presents a wild boar heart to the Queen. Who then salts it. Cooks it. And eats it. What a psycho.
The terrified Snow White runs around the forest all day until she finds a small cottage, where she breaks in, eats a portion of seven dinners and far too much wine for a 3rd grader, and then falls asleep. When the seven short dudes who live there get home, they seems kinda mad about the food and wine, until they notice how cute she is, all asleep on bed seven, and they decide she can stay and be their cook and maid, but warn her to be careful of weird old ladies. They mention zero things about weird old men.
In the meantime, filled to the brim on self-righteousness and she expects to be a delicious little kid heart, the Queen consults her mirror and finds out Snow White is still out there, being all cute and living with seven little dudes. The Queen puts on some old lady make-up and Google maps that shit and marches over there while the gold digging little dudes are are at work. She sells Snow White some corset laces, then offers to lace them for her, pulling them so tight the kid can’t breath. With Snow White in a heap on the floor the Queen thinks to herself, "YAY, I just killed a seven year old and now I am the prettiest!"
Lil’ dudes get home, figure out what went down, undo the laces, Snow White wake up and they’re like, “You’ve gotta stop falling for stupid shit”. The next day, instead of leaving someone to babysit, they head off to dig for gold. The Queen, having learned from her magical mirror that Snow White still breaths, pulls together a pretty solid and radically different old lady look and stomps back to the cottage with a poison comb. Snow White throw open the window and says, "I can't talk to you or open the window.” The Queen’s all, “While you talk to me through this open window why don’t you let me brush your hair?” The moment the teeth sink in, BAM. Epic hair poisoning.
Lil’ dudes get home, and once again Snow White is passed out on the floor and none of the dishes are done. What the hell!? Doesn’t this kid know how to babysit herself? One of the little dudes figures out a hair poisoning happened. They remove the comb and Snow White wakes up and tells them about her different old lady visit and they're like, "Listen kid, when weird old ladies show up out of no where, don’t let them comb your hair, or dress you, or brush your teeth, or take you skydiving or ask you to get in their van, seriously." You have to be really specific with kids.
The next day the seven tiny guys head back to their super fun rock busting jobs. Old lady number three shows up at the cottage. Snow White opens the window like a badass and gives the old woman some stink eye and says, “I’m not going skydiving with you because you’re old!” And the old woman says, “Listen honey, I know other old ladies have hurt you in the past, but I just wanted to share this totally normal and amazingly safe apple with you!” She whips out an apple that is half white and half red, an obviously weird apple by any standard. “Look, I will eat half to prove it." She eats the white half herself, offers the rest to the kid with totally dysfunctional survival instincts, and BAM, the kid hits the floor and the Queen skips off to hear from her magic mirror that she’s still got it.
Lil’ dudes get home. They are immediately devastated by their own lack of foresight. They can't find any weird poison thing on the kid, no new clothing, magic lipstick or enchanted spit curl, so they just accept the idea that the kid is dead. They wash her face with wine. The kid stays pretty. This kid makes a super pretty corpse. Her corpse is so pretty they make her a glass box so they don’t have to stop looking at her, and for the first time, every single day, all day long, she gets at least one babysitter.
But check this out, a full grown prince is riding through the forest when he sees the pretty kid in her glass box and he's like, "Yeeees! This hot dead kid is just what I’ve been looking for!" So he offers to buy her from the old guy but he's like, "No! We’ve worked too hard." and the Prince says, "Well, I won’t take no for an answer because this hot dead kid is going to look perfect in my castle and I really really want it and also, here is some money you don’t have to scrape out of a rock.” So the tiny old dude is like, "MMmmmOK."
The Prince sends for help with the box, but some clodhopper trips on a bush, which bumps the coffin, which dislodges the poison apple chunk, which revives the hot seven year old, which makes the prince go, "Let’s get married!”
The Queen gets an invitation to the wedding of this Prince, but her mirror told her the bride is way prettier than she is, so at first the Queen is like, "Pshch. I'm not going to that wedding, I murder people who are hotter than I am.” But then, to check out the competition and maybe mac down of some sweet ass bride heart, she picks out an outfit and goes anyway.
When the Queen arrives she is swarmed by paparazzi, which is initially thrilling, “They are waiting for me!” she thinks. Someone presents her with a pair of special dancing shoes. They are made of hot lead, and she is forced to dance before her tiny nemesis, until she dies, which is the kind of entertainment they had at weddings before there were waffle bars and photo booths.
The necrophiliac turned pedophile and his vengeful child bride lived happily ever after.
The End.
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