How to make your face awesome

1) Pull your hair back. Put five aspirin in a little bowl and drip a wee little drop of water on each one. Put it aside for a second while it breaks down. Mix a teaspoon of honey with the aspirin and spoonmash it while making big eyebrows and giggling about the weird paste of two household things you can't believe you are mixing together. While you are giggling, look at your face in the mirror, see the crows feet? That means you are a human who can still find amusement in the world, congratulations! Now rub the weird paste on your face, in gentle circles. The aspirin will take care of redness and also exfoliate. The honey is has good things about it too, but those are secret. Leave it on for 15 minutes. Then rinse it off. 

2) Now that the pores are all cleaned out it's time to close them. Get a cotton ball and fill it will apple cider vinegar. Use it like a toner all over your face. Congratulations, you smell anti-social! Let it sit there for 15 minutes. I know terrible, there there. If you listen though, you can hear all your pores slamming shut. Rinse your face. Then, holy crap, look at it! Your skin is already lovely! 

3) Get another cotton ball, this time load it up with olive oil and mop you face with it. Rub it in. Use a little too much. Let it sit for 15 minutes. Take a warm washcloth and wash your face without soap. Be gentle. Pat it dry. Close your eyes. Don't even look at your skin, just feel it with your fingertips. Isn't that gorgeous? Now you can look. OMG HOW CUTE!

Columbus Dining Room Geographic

I saw this clip the other day and realized that Jasper is the lion and I am the hippo. 

Jasper wanted in my lap but I said No. I was writing, which he wanted to make impossible. Me too apparently because I allowed it. There really is a part of me that finds it super weird to voluntarily share my home with an animal. An animal so sheltered and pampered he doesn’t even know how ridiculous he is. He thinks he’s allowing me to stick around in his house.

To him pens or fingers moving fast is an invitation to be a moron about everything. Ankles are both menacing and delicious. Toes are snacky bed weasels. And any time I sit at my desk he claws his way to my lap and twists his big body to make himself comfortable. For Jasper, everything is about the comfort of Jasper. I end up trying not to get bumped in the nose with his BH business, while he turns in circles, stepping on my keyboard and fucking shit up. He just stood on my desk and gave me weird looks because I was singing. He actually stood with his paw out, twitching and totally ready to smack me silent. I pushed him off the desk, because damn dude. I’m bigger and I pay the rent and I can sing if I want you fluffy razor sharp narcissist.

He gave me dirty looks and jumped to his second favorite spot, wedged behind me, between the chair and my back. So now when I sing, I sing through him. He must like it, he’s purring. Together we are making noises and pressing them into each other. Even for the 20% of time he’s not intentionally being an asshole, he’s still kind of an asshole. How is it so compelling to care for a biting creature with no sense of gratitude or clue what happens outside of this house? His only responsibility is to sass around his tiny universe, slapping the Christmas tree, washing his face, napping on my head, eating, licking the nip spot on the carpet, dragging his ragged stuffed bunny up to my bed, jumping at light spots on the wall and shitting in or near a box in the basement. It’s a pretty easy life. I’m pretty sure this fucker never worries about anything.

It’s 2012 and I’m home again. What next plotnick?